Neuro-Linguistic Programming Models Summary (03 of 14)

Mind Reading

Mind reading is assuming you know what the other person is thinking or feeling without checking. This pattern causes a great deal of interpersonal difficulties and is another of the important Meta model problem solving strategies.

Most of us at some time attribute intention to other people’s behaviours or absence of behaviour. We think we know that someone is interested in us, doesn’t like us or is trying to hurt us.

We are masterful at taking a small cue such as a raised eyebrow, a lack of eye contact or a failure to do something we expected and believing we know what it means. We all jump to conclusions about other people’s behaviours at some time. We usually judge other’s behaviour by the effect on us, and judge our own behaviour by our intentions.

We also expect other people to be able to read our minds. We think someone should know we are pleased or annoyed with him or her. We expect others to realise we are overwhelmed, open to suggestion or distracted.

Recovery Questions

The Meta model questions aim to uncover how you know what you think you know about what is happening in someone else’s brain.

Some examples are

I know you don’t want to come

… How do you know?

You raised your eyes upwards.

… I was checking for rain.

The boss doesn’t think I am management material

… How do you know that?

She doesn’t invite me to lunch.

… She doesn’t invite anyone to lunch.

Cause and Effect Distortion

Cause effects are statements that show how someone believes something works. That X causes Y, or that doing X makes Y happen. Like all beliefs, just because we believe something, it doesn’t make it true. Often looking at our statements can open us up to solutions we hadn’t considered, by questioning our model of the world.

A common cause/effect is an if-then statement. “If I give my children everything they want, they will love me.” It usually has words such as forces, makes, creates, leads to, compels, requires, instills and causes. For instance, “going into business requires a lot of capital.” “Watching television leads to a high crime rate.”

A causing type distortion people often make is assuming that someone can make them fee a certain way. For example, “you made me so angry”. “You exhaust me with your constant whining”. “I won’t be happy until you are home”.

This assumption acts in reverse too. Feeling responsible for the state or happiness of others is a common and debilitating belief. “I know I can make him happy”. “I just seem to upset her”.

Recovery Questions

Meta model questioning uncovers the unconscious model of the process.

• How exactly do I make you angry?
• How specifically can you change his state from grumpy to happy

Presuppositions

The principles which form the foundation of NLP have been modelled from key people who consistently produced superb results, as well as from systems theory and natural laws.

As well as a set of powerful skills, NLP is a philosophy and an attitude that is useful when your goal is excellence in whatever you do. We invite you to discover what happens in your life if you simply ‘act as if’ the following statements are true...

Have respect for the other person’s model of the world.

We are all unique and experience the world in different ways. Everyone is individual and has their own special way of being.

The map is not the territory.

People respond to their ‘map’ of reality, not to reality itself. How people make sense of the world around them is through their senses and from their own personal experience; this means that each individual's perception of an event is different.

Mind and body form a linked system.

Your mental attitude affects your body and your health and, in turn, how you behave.

If what you are doing isn't working, do something else.

Flexibility is the key to success.

Choice is better than no choice.

Having options can provide more opportunities for achieving results.

We are always communicating.

Even when we remain silent, we are communicating. Non-verbal communication can account for a large proportion of a message.

The meaning of your communication is the response you get.

While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other person's interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that the message you send equals the message they receive.

There is no failure, only feedback.

What seemed like failure can be thought of as success that just stopped too soon. With this understanding, we can stop blaming ourselves and others, find solutions and improve the quality of what we do.

Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention.

When we understand that other people have some positive intention in what they say and do (however annoying and negative it may seem to us), it can be easier to stop getting angry and start to move forward.

Anything can be accomplished if the task is broken down into small enough steps.

Achievement becomes easier if activities are manageable; NLP can help you learn how to analyse what needs to be done and find ways to be both efficient and effective.

Complex Equivalence

A Complex Equivalence is an example of distortion and is a statement where two meanings are equated as being synonymous or, if you prefer, where one thing means another.

Complex Equivalence often appears in speech as a series of two sequential statements such as:-

She doesn't like me. She never smiles at me.

He was late for our appointment. He has no respect for my time.

They can't be interested. They didn't respond to my letter.

Remember that in Complex Equivalence the two statements are considered to be equal or to have the same meaning i.e.

[The fact that] she never smiles at me means that she doesn't like me.

or:-

She never smiles at me = She doesn't like me.

The Meta model response for a Complex Equivalence is to challenge it or to provide a counter-example i.e.

Do you always smile at everyone you like every time you see them?

Have you ever smiled at someone you secretly hated?

What has being late got to do with respect?

Have you ever been late for a meeting with a person you respected?

Have you ever been on time and not respected the person?

When you're interested in someone do you always write to them immediately?

Would a hastily scribbled note convince you that they were really interested in you?

In other words, when presented with a Complex Equivalence form such as x = y or x means y we can respond in the following forms:-

• How does x mean y?
• Does X always mean y?
• Can you think of examples where x does not mean y?

You've reached the end of this page now. You should understand complex equivalence.

Disjunction

Slip an embed message into a contrast statement

Implied Causes

This NLP Cause and Effect language pattern will be familiar to you. Milton Erickson, the great American psychiatrist was famous for his ability to get results with his clients through the use of hypnosis. He noticed that clients under hypnosis would be more receptive to his suggestions, primarily because they were relaxed. He was able to bypass their normally obstructive conscious mind when they were in a trance and he was able to speak directly with their all powerful unconscious mind. Bearing in mind that all human learning and change takes place in the unconscious mind, that was a good thing.

When Richard Bandler and John Grinder studied Milton Erickson they identified that he used the same language patterns everytime that he put a client into a trance. Generally his hypnosis was subtle, often his clients did not even realise that they had been in a trance after their meeting, they just felt better and recognised that something had changed inside…

Bandler and Grinder decided that they too could use the same language patterns and get the same results with clients, and so they decided to share the patterns with us via NLP. These patterns are now known as the Milton Model.

The pattern of Cause an Effect occurs where it is implied that one thing causes another. “I can make you understand the Milton Model without trance.” The word in the sentence that identifies it as one of Cause and Effect is “make.” In other words “I can cause you to understand…” I cause the effect on you.

It is necessary that in a Cause and Effect statement one thing will follow another, something will cause something else to happen. So sentences with the word “make” in them will help you identify cause and effect at work.

“I am late because of you.” You therefore caused me to be late. The word “because” brings about Cause and Effect.

Of course a Cause and Effect statement is not necessarily true. It is implied that it is true. It is because the cause is implied to result in the effect that the sentence produces trance. The conscious mind has to try to work out if what the person is saying is correct or not. It temporarily confuses the conscious mind.

“If you believe in me then I can do it.” It could be true, but what will make it true? Hmmm. Slightly confusing.

Statements like the above have “If…then” in them and this is also used to identify a Cause and Effect.

As you read this page, then you begin to wonder how easy it will be for you also to use these statements. As you…then you – implied Cause and Effect.

Tag Questions

You add tag questions to the end of an ordinary sentence to turn it into a question. This pattern is useful with someone who usually responds to requests by doing the opposite (polarity response)

I love this pattern, don’t you?

This is a great and versatile way to open people up to your communication. When you give a statement, even something like “it’s a great day”, it’s a kind of command. You are giving your interpretation of reality. Communication like this can be interpreted as authoritarian. Like you are trying to be top dog.

Of course there are many circumstances where you want to come across as credible with an air of authority. But it can be challenging too. There are times when you don’t want to risk generating resistance, aren’t there?

You know it’s safe to relax don’t you?

You have bought her a birthday present haven’t you?

You wouldn’t pick up the groceries on the way home would you?

You understand don’t you?

You don’t agree do you?

It’s a great day, isn’t it?

Computers are great fun, aren’t they?

This is fun isn’t it?

Utilisation

Utilisation is a technique or approach where a person’s specific pattern of behaviour is paced or matched in order to influence the person’s response. Utilisation takes advantage of everything in the listeners experience (both internal and external environments) to support the intention of the speaker.

Employee says: “I don’t understand.” Response: “That’s right…you don’t understand, yet, because you’ve not taken that one deep breath that will allow the information to fall easily and comfortably into place.”

Or perhaps while meeting with a business partner, one of your coworkers mistakenly opens a door and interrupts. Instead of getting frustrated or annoyed with your coworker, you could say to your business partner, “You may have heard (or seen) a door opening and let this be an opportunity to invite new ideas and thoughts into our business venture.”

Nesting

Nested Loops or embedded metaphors in NLP are when you start telling a story, a metaphor, or an anecdote, get 75%-95 of the way through it but don’t complete it before starting another story.  And then tell only part of a second story before moving on to a third, and so on. Only close them much later, by finishing the stories in reverse order.

By breaking the stories off the people know that they haven’t got the end of the story, they do not have a sense of completion, or even know the point of the story. They know that there is more to come. This creates states of anticipation, attention, curiosity and wanting to know more at the unconscious level.

Use them at the beginning and close them at the end of the training or subject to give them a sense of completion. It packages the experience and installs the information.

Make sure that your (and others) use of nested loops is ecological:

• Pre check content bearing in mind the audience
• Try them out on someone prior to using them in training, see what results that you get.
• Try on the hat yourself as you are compiling the metaphor.

Benefits and Limitations of nested loops:

• Stories create emotions and these help people learn and remember an experience.
• You can elicit states sequentially so that you get to the desired end state.
• They distract the conscious mind and induce trance.  Making it much easier for us to communicate with the unconscious mind and therefore improve learning.
• Easy to embed commands and make suggestions.

Limitation is that it is important to make the breaks in the correct places otherwise they can appear clumsy.  Also they may not suit all audiences eg business audiences.

Extended Quotes

Is a quote in the form of a story that is used to get or give information. For instance, " I remember a long time ago, my grandpa told me a story... and he told me how change can be easy and fun."

Spell Out Words

By spelling out words we draw the conscious attention to the words spelled out, which induces trance.

Conversational Postulate

Conversational postulates are questions we could answer with yes or no, but usually give a behavioral response rather than a literal answer.

When a young child is on the phone and you ask, “Can you get Susan?” They will say yes. Meaning “yes I am capable of getting her”. When you ask an adult, “can you get Susan?” Normally they get up and get her.

This pattern is a way to avoid creating resistance. Milton Model Tag questions are another good way, aren’t they? Many of us hate being told what to do and we can react strongly and close down the conversation quickly when someone starts issuing commands.

• Do you know what’s on at the movies this week?
• Do you have the time?
• Is the window open?
• Can you listen to me?
• Can you pass the butter?

In trance, when you say, “can you move your leg” the person interprets this literally and says yes. In a waking state, the person will generally just move their leg

Selectional Restriction Violations

A selectional restriction violation is a Milton Model hypnosis pattern. It’s about giving things and beings human qualities they can’t by definition possess. Trees cannot feel sad and men can’t get pregnant. Rocks aren’t actually pets.

tomato-plantThe person’s unconscious mind then needs to find some way to make sense out of statements like this so may apply the statement to itself. Trees can’t feel sad, so this must relate to me. The man can’t be pregnant so it must be a metaphor.

A butterfly takes its time coming out of the cocoon; it knows there’s no rush. The tortoise keeps going, knowing it will get there in the end as long as it perseveres.

When creating metaphors, we often use this pattern. It is a powerful way to induce trance – we can’t use logic and normal conscious processes, so the unconscious has to deal with it. The unconscious knows you are not really discussing butterflies but something to do with the problem.

Milton Erickson once used this pattern with a terminal cancer patient. “A tomato plant can feel good, Joe”

Metaphor

Metaphors are used commonly in NLP in order to enable the NLP trainer or NLP practitioner to make connection with the clients unconscious mind. The benefit of doing this is that it connects them with the source of all the clients learning and behaviour, thus enabling them to change rapidly.

There are several types of metaphor used in NLP, shallow metaphors, deep metaphors, and embedded metaphors.

Shallow Metaphor

Shallow, Simple metaphor – comparison, simile.

Deep metaphor

A story with different levels of meaning.

Embedded metaphors

Embedded metaphors are several metaphors linked together (like Ronnie Corbett frequently used in the Two Ronnies). The idea is that the conscious mind of the client is confused as the stories appear to make no sense, thus allowing the trainer to get access to unconscious resources and make suggestions to improve learning or healing.

A shallow metaphor makes simple comparisons and creates a better understanding, a deep metaphor has stories with many different levels of meaning and is typically most useful when a client is in trance in order to communicate with the unconscious mind. To gain understanding at the unconscious level.

Using metaphors in a therapeutic, educational or business setting:

• Identify the sequence of behaviour and/or events in question
• Assess the strategy of the client – the sequence of the representations creating the behaviour.
• Identify and determine the desired new outcomes and choices – present state to desired state.
• Establish anchors for strategic elements involved in this current behaviour and the desired outcome.
• Create or think of a logical, smooth story.
• Choose an appropriate context for the story.
• Displace referential indices.
• Establish a relationship between the clients situation and behaviour, and the situation and behaviours of the characters in the story.
• Access and establish new choices and resources for the client in terms of the characters and events in the story.
• Use ambiguities, direct quotes and other language patterns.
• Provide a resolution
• Collapse the pre-established anchors and provide a future pace.

Uses for metaphors:

• Can help clients to better understand something about the object or idea to which the metaphor is applied.
• In therapy.
• Induces rapport.
• Can make speaking, and writing more lively and interesting.
• Can communicate a great deal of meaning with just a word or phrase.
• Can create a mind shift since they imply rather than directly state relationships, can get clients to think about what they are hearing and take on new learnings.

The Blamer

Virginia Satir suggested that 30% of people will typically use the Satir Categories Blamer attitude. They say no regardless of what they really feel or want (it’s the principle!)

The blamer takes responsibility from self, and puts it on someone or something else. They only recognise their own view, and the context of a situation, and don’t respect the other persons view.

The blamer’s language is authoritarian and direct. They tend to disagree and highlight important points. They find fault with everything you do or say. They play the game of “if it weren’t for you”. They use generalisations to distract and cast blame on someone. They use pointing gestures. The blamer stance appears to be harsh, and is used to make firm points when giving a speech, and to elicit guilt. It can easily create relationship rifts and communicating problems

Getting obedience makes them feel powerful and effective. To get into this stance, point your finger and use lots of Modal operators of necessity and Universal quantifiers.

• You should …
• You never …
• You always …
• Why do you always/never …?
• Why did you …?

Then, no matter what the other person replies, use this to make them even more wrong, by mismatching. My dad was an expert at this. If I said something was black he would argue it was white. If I studied I was a boot licker, if I didn’t I was a lazy good for nothing.

Being in a blamer posture can trigger others placatory posture – a fear response to intimidation.

This is about domination. It’s how we respond when we get angry. I think of the marine colonel in Avatar – fear is not an option. Blamers play hardball in negotiations. They want to win at any cost and can sometimes cut off their nose to spite their face, or win the battle only to lose the war.

Example

Using a blamer stance, if you were late to a meeting you might storm in, throw your bag down and say,

“I cannot believe the traffic, you would think they would stick to doing road works at night. And then I found some moron had parked in my spot, I had to park in the public car park 3 blocks away. And you know what they wanted to charge? I’ll have to put it on my expense account, unbelievable. And who in their right mind decided 9am is a good time for a meeting anyway? No one has any consideration for people who have to commute around here”

The Placater

Virginia Satir suggested that 50% of people will typically use the satir categories placater attitude. They say yes regardless of what they really feel or want.

The placater takes all responsibility onto self, and takes it off other people. They respect other people’s views, and the context of a situation, but not their own point of view. This stance draws sympathy, but can appear weak spirited. They will use distortion and modal operators to shift blame to themselves. The placater typically has open body language with palms up, or out towards the audience or other person and hunched shoulders.

Their language is agreeable and pleasing. Think about begging for something, being subservient. “Please don’t hurt me.” They can feel it is selfish to ask for anything for themselves.

It is not sexy, in fact get down on one knee in a pleading attitude and try to feel sexy. It can be quite nauseating to have someone always trying to please you and being ever so grateful for any crumbs you throw their way.

Being in this attitude can sometimes trigger others blamer attitude – a desire to dominate or take control. Others can get annoyed they are being such wimps.

Placaters can sacrifice themselves for others – are willing to lose so others can win. “Whatever you want is Ok, don’t worry about me, I’m nothing”. They can consequently feel like victims. They play softball in negotiations. We think of this as a weak position, but there are times when it can be a useful strategy. For instance when playing with small children, when diplomacy is needed (what do you give a 200lb gorilla – anything he wants) or to give the appearance of weakness.

Example

Using a placater stance, if you were late to a meeting you might slink in quietly in the most out of the way chair and if any one notices and asks say.

“I’m so sorry. I hope no one was waiting on me. I should have gotten up earlier, it’s my own fault. I should have known there would be road works. I need to keep in mind how much worse the traffic is in the morning and how my choice to commute affects everyone. It won’t happen again and I’ll buy everyone lunch to make up for it.”

The Computer

Virginia Satir suggested that 15% of people will typically use the satir categories computer attitude. They say neither yes nor no and give no hint of what they really feel or want

The computer is someone who tries to deflect responsibility from either person to the context of a situation. They try to respect context, and remove themselves and others from the picture. The computer will use deletions in speech, particularly lost performatives.

In speech, a computer stance will elicit a thinking response from an audience (or a bored one as abstract language can make your eyes glaze over quicker than a fly realizing you are cooking BBQ).

A favorite computer gesture is a hand on chin (think Rodin’s “The Thinker”), or arms crossed, physically isolating themselves from an issue. This attitude uses analytical disconnected language – Auditory Digital Processing. They aim to be calm and cool. They focus on choosing the right words and avoiding mistakes. The disconnection becomes a barrier to feeling.

This posture can trigger another’s distracter stance, even if the other person doesn’t typically use distracter

To me there is nothing more frustrating when tying to communicate something emotional, than this attitude. I can feel like I’m talking to a computer. Dare I say it; this is many women’s difficulties discussing important things with men. She can feel like she is talking to a robot. And he just doesn’t understand why she is getting so upset when he is being so reasonable. Ahhhhh! And the more upset she gets, the more reasonable he becomes – sound familiar?

Example

Using a computer stance, if you were late to a meeting you might walk in, gather your papers and say.

“What points have been covered so far? I noticed item 6 on the agenda was regarding the customer service survey. I have copies of the appropriate documentation for your perusal here in my briefcase”